I went for a walk today

This afternoon after spending most of the day feeling really bitchy I finally went for a walk. We have had family visiting and staying with us for a week and they are here for another week. I am feeling annoyed, bothered and overwhelmed with too much going on and little quiet down time. There is always someone in my space watching what I am doing and today I am fed up with it. Once everyone was back home and my husband was available to watch our son I went out the door for a 20 minute walk. I felt slightly better when I got home but not much.

I also did a good job today emptying the cupboards of any available chocolate! It tasted pretty good. (gobble, snarf and slurp) I showed a bit of self restraint and tossed out a 1/2 bag of marshmallows that I didn’t  have a purpose for except to eat. Yes, it was wasteful but I figured that was better then them adding to my waist.

I am still crabby and bitchy and once again my quiet evening has been spoiled and disrupted. Today I am struggling with getting my needs met. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

 

I’m done

 

I’m done and ready to change a few things. Gee that really sounds like a cliché I guess it is. I’m done feeling tired and worn out. I’m done wearing pants with soft stretchy waists and want to wear jeans that button and zip again and be comfortable in them. I’m done with this weird rash I have that flares up with no known cause and little to no help from the doctors I have seen. Maybe, a change in what I am eating will improve the frequency of flare ups because nothing else is helping.

The first step I am going to take is to stop eating candy and chocolate! I crave those sweets all day every day. Any time I leave the house to run a few errands and pick up a few groceries I buy something sweet to eat and now my 3 year old son is asking non stop for those goodies. The chocolate and candy are no longer a treat because we have them so often. It is time to shake up this rut and eliminate the sweet sugary treats. I have been researching a bit on how sugar affects the body and nothing I have read is good. So it is time to mentally prepare and brace myself for the cravings and just do it!

The second part of my new mind set is to return to walking two or three days a week. Going for a simple walk of 20-30 minutes on by myself to clear my head and move my body. I know that I feel better when I get out and walk I do have a hard time following through and doing it. I am also compulsive about certain aspects of house work and getting things done before I leave home. I would like to learn to leave those things be and know its all right.

I have rarely sat down and written goals for myself and I don’t like the concept of making New Year’s resolutions as it seems to be a way to set yourself up for failure. My initial goal is to not eat any chocolate, candy or chips for the entire month of January. Maybe in 4 weeks I will feel better and my clothes will be more comfortable. I will also aim to walk a couple days a week.

Do you have any hints or tips for me to meet my goals?

Preschool, the learning curve for Mommy

 

I didn’t know how much deciding to sign my son up for preschool two mornings a week was going to affect me. I didn’t look at this exciting new experience as gaining some freedom for myself. when I came to the conclusion that this particular preschool was the right fit for my son and our family the decision was for him and not for me. now that I have had my first morning of “freedom” and not knowing what to do with myself. I felt paralyzed with anxiety not for my son but for myself. what was I to do with this new found gap in my day? Today I spent much of the time catching up on paper work associated with preschool. then as I got up to do something for myself I was distracted my my urge to write. to record these feelings in the moment and not hours and hours later after Saylor is in bed and I’m too tired to form cohesive thoughts.

I know this is the first mornings of many I will drop him off in someone else’s care and he will have an amazing time and when the session wraps up he will be with me again and so grateful for the hugs and kisses. this preschool this is as much a learning curve for him as it is for me. I will have days where I am at preschool to help and be useful but there will also be many more days where I am not tethered to any one thing and can choose what to do. I hadn’t prepared myself for the choice of doing something else without my assistant tagging along and asking many questions. I think I need to plan ahead and know what I will do to fill the 2 hours I have by myself. I hope to work in the studio and the yard and go for a walk or maybe even have a luxurious nap! For today in my last few minutes before I leave home to pick him up I will live in this moment and feel the discomfort I have at leaving my son with the teacher and mother’s who are helping this day. I will acknowledge this is a period of adjustment and growth for myself and my son and husband too. I will be fine after I stop feeling ill and anxious.

 

My son is 3 years old

 

More time has passed and some how my sweet son is 3 years old. If you want to read his birth story it can be found here. Saylor's Birth Story We marked his birthday with a long road trip to Calgary to see his paternal grandparents. We ate, played and celebrated for a week. When we arrived back home the celebrations we completed with a sweet treat from Saylor’s maternal grandmother.

 

cupcakes from our favourite shop

 

Saylor can do so many things and discovers how to do something new each day. He loves to open the fridge and ask for juice or milk and he will also saw “I’m looking for something” as he opens the fridge for the 5th time that day. He can jump off the bottom step and onto the floor and has discovered a love for the public pool. Saylor will go days with eating minimally then the following week eat a lot. He still loves music and will roll up the area rug in the front room so that he can dance. Just now Saylor helped Daddy pull the cover off the barbeque and this morning he helped water the garden with me. There doesn’t seem to be a limit on what he can do or will try.

My sweet son is determined and opinionated he certainly has his preferences and doesn’t hold back in sharing them with Mom and Dad. I’m not sure how the last 3 years have zipped by except that my son is no longer a baby but a young boy who loves adventures. Daddy and I soak up ever hug and kiss knowing that one day those signs of affection won’t be as easily given. I continue to look forward to each day and seeing what Saylor will learn and do that day.

Along with Saylor’s growth I have grown as his mother and I think that makes this journey all the better.

 

A moment in my day

 

This afternoon I decided to go out to pick up two items at two different stores. This was going to be a quick outing and something my son and I have done many times before. As we were standing in line at the tile to purchase the first item on our list. My almost 3 year old son did something he hasn’t done before and it scared me. My sweet curious boy bolted, he ran like he was being chased. My son who loves to play and cuddle with mom and dad he ran from our spot inline. I had a moment to react I left the money and laundry soap on the counter and ran after my son. Fortunately I was quickly able to catch him despite the fact that he was sprinting around corners and agile like a jack rabbit. I caught him and scooped him up in my arms. I gave him a kiss and quietly told him that we don’t run away from mom and dad in the store. I returned to our spot inline and paid for our purchase needing to fish out more coins from my pocket. My wiggly son at my feet ready to run some more.

I know this game of chase lasted less then thirty seconds yet the bright colours of the store and my son just in front of my is etched in my mind and I still have a slight butterfly in my stomach. When we got to the car I quietly spoke to my son again repeating that we don’t run from mom and dad in the store and his response was that he was playing a funny game. My sweet innocent son saw no harm in running in that moment. He loves to run and I think we may head outside into the early spring sun and cool wind and do just that.

Between My Ears (volume 2)

 

As I put my son to bed I was planning out this blog post after he was asleep I opened up Windows Live Writer and added the heading for the blog post. Then I hoped over to Facebook and Google reader to procrastinate on typing what I had planned out.

Really the title of the blog post means that I am going to do a “brain dump” of all the things that are going on in my mind. I would like to think that I am a great writer and my thoughts are cohesive and are  a wonderful read. I can dream right?

I have had some health issues off and on for almost two years. I have seen my family doctor and a couple specialists and have had numerous tests all with out a diagnosis or answers to what is going on. Over the last three weeks I have had a raised, red angry and often weeping rash. On my face, neck, hand and leg. It is extremely itchy and uncomfortable. The only relief is using a topical steroid cream which comes with its own limitations. It has now been suggested that I see an allergist in another city and that will take several months before an appointment time is available. My other options are oral drugs which I am not enthused over at all. I am physically on the mend today although continue to feel frustrated and disappointed that my situation has not found a healthy resolution.

(ooops got distracted and checked on Facebook)

In February I achieved a long term goal of my art being accepted into more local shops. As of today I am now supplying 4 shops with my boxes and pens. I have sold 6 boxes and 3 pens that I am aware of. Sadly my muse has gone on holiday and I am lacking motivation and inspiration to create more items. I am feeling pressure instead of encouragement to create. I will need to move past that very soon and get creating. I am thrilled my boxes and pens are selling yet I am shocked as it has taken a few years to get to this point and now that I am there the realization that I have obligations to fill with my art is stifling the creativity. At the moment I am tired of my flowers and starfish and am yearning for a new theme and design. I have spent time browsing online for inspiration and am still searching.

My son is quickly growing towards his 3rd birthday in May. Time has truly flown by. There are moments when he still seems like my wee baby but most of the time he is a fast moving wee boy who loves to run, twirl and play with his cars, trucks and trains. He hardly sits still long enough to eat and at the end of the day is so tired he quickly falls asleep with out thought of what is come in the morning. I think that is the real meaning of “sleeping like a baby.”

Weekly Play date for Mom and Son

 

When I found out I was pregnant with my son 3 years ago I soon found out that an acquaintance was also pregnant and our due dates were with in days of each other. Soon we began to spend more time together enjoying walks and play dates with our newborns. Our play dates have evolved over the last two and a half years. During fall and winter we meet at our friends home and the two toddlers attempt to play together and then they settle in along side each other playing with different things. Last spring we would meet at a local park or play in the backyard and enjoy the outdoors.

While the children play the two moms spend time chatting. The topics of conversation varies from Friday to Friday although truthfully I don’t think the topics are as important as the companionship is. We have now been having these very casual play dates for long enough that we are comfortable together no matter the moods or level of energy the four of us are feeling.

I always leave each of these Friday gatherings feeling calm, refreshed and recharged. It doesn’t matter if the kids have been screaming and we only had a few minutes to visit. This weekly get together with another mom who has similar views on parenting and is a great person all around is a high light of the week. 

 

Long and Winding Thoughts

 

Last week Pete and I realized that my truck was in urgent need of some maintenance . We took the truck in for an assessment and found out it needed 4 new tires as one was separating from its self, 4 new brakes as all 4 breaks were down to 10% with normal replacement occurring at 15% and the heater was also not working. Add to this the work we had done on the house by an electrician we spent almost $3000 in one day. We had some funds in savings and the rest well Mr. Visa got a work out. This difficult day led to a family decision.

Before I had our son 2.5 years ago I was working with the school district and had accumulated almost 9 years of seniority. I took my 1 year of maternity  leave and then haven’t returned to work full time choosing to work on call. Truthfully I have worked a handful of days barely enough to receive a paycheque. We have decided that I will work two days a week. As I said I have enough seniority that I could work every day of the week if I choose to. Right now two days a week is enough I have worked two days this week and am feeling worn out. My mom has agreed to come and spend those two days a week with my son. Grandma has a wonderful time and so does Saylor. Ana (aka my mom) says that Saylor will ask a couple times during the day where I am but is reassured by being told that Mom and Dad will return and he carries on playing.

I have really struggled with returning to work. I feel guilty at work being away from my son and I feel guilty at home not contributing financially to our lives. I have been thinking about the sense of guilt over the last few days and am trying to reframe or reset my thinking. I am fortunate and grateful that I can work and that Ana is available when we need her therefore saving the cost of day care and allowing me to bring money into our budget. I know Saylor is being well cared for by his loving Ana and she is filled with joy by being around him. It is a winning situation. I did have to reset my thinking as my thoughts about the public school system now that I am a parent are less then stellar. I think I have been able to do that and can now accept my work calls and enjoy my days away from home knowing that contributing financially lifts some of the burden from Pete’s broad shoulders.

I have a friend who I met recently she happens to be 11 years my junior with two children a boy who is 4 and a girl who is almost 2. Her husband was unjustly fired around Christmas. She has been brave and strong and she seems to be doing very well despite the situation they are in. They have started a small business and have hit a few bumps along the way and despite following all leads and chasing the work nothing has come in for them yet. With inspiration like that I didn’t it was easier to reform my thoughts and be grateful that I can take on as much work as suits our family. I admire her strength and resilience!

All of these thoughts have been banging around head and heart for several days I knew I needed to write them down and clear some mental clutter. I feel a little lighter and it will be easier to sleep tonight knowing that I can go to my job make money, be away from my son who will in his home with his loving Ana and contributing to our budget. I’m off to bed with happy thoughts.