I didn’t know how much deciding to sign my son up for preschool two mornings a week was going to affect me. I didn’t look at this exciting new experience as gaining some freedom for myself. when I came to the conclusion that this particular preschool was the right fit for my son and our family the decision was for him and not for me. now that I have had my first morning of “freedom” and not knowing what to do with myself. I felt paralyzed with anxiety not for my son but for myself. what was I to do with this new found gap in my day? Today I spent much of the time catching up on paper work associated with preschool. then as I got up to do something for myself I was distracted my my urge to write. to record these feelings in the moment and not hours and hours later after Saylor is in bed and I’m too tired to form cohesive thoughts.
I know this is the first mornings of many I will drop him off in someone else’s care and he will have an amazing time and when the session wraps up he will be with me again and so grateful for the hugs and kisses. this preschool this is as much a learning curve for him as it is for me. I will have days where I am at preschool to help and be useful but there will also be many more days where I am not tethered to any one thing and can choose what to do. I hadn’t prepared myself for the choice of doing something else without my assistant tagging along and asking many questions. I think I need to plan ahead and know what I will do to fill the 2 hours I have by myself. I hope to work in the studio and the yard and go for a walk or maybe even have a luxurious nap! For today in my last few minutes before I leave home to pick him up I will live in this moment and feel the discomfort I have at leaving my son with the teacher and mother’s who are helping this day. I will acknowledge this is a period of adjustment and growth for myself and my son and husband too. I will be fine after I stop feeling ill and anxious.