Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Long and Winding Thoughts


Last week Pete and I realized that my truck was in urgent need of some maintenance . We took the truck in for an assessment and found out it needed 4 new tires as one was separating from its self, 4 new brakes as all 4 breaks were down to 10% with normal replacement occurring at 15% and the heater was also not working. Add to this the work we had done on the house by an electrician we spent almost $3000 in one day. We had some funds in savings and the rest well Mr. Visa got a work out. This difficult day led to a family decision.

Before I had our son 2.5 years ago I was working with the school district and had accumulated almost 9 years of seniority. I took my 1 year of maternity  leave and then haven’t returned to work full time choosing to work on call. Truthfully I have worked a handful of days barely enough to receive a paycheque. We have decided that I will work two days a week. As I said I have enough seniority that I could work every day of the week if I choose to. Right now two days a week is enough I have worked two days this week and am feeling worn out. My mom has agreed to come and spend those two days a week with my son. Grandma has a wonderful time and so does Saylor. Ana (aka my mom) says that Saylor will ask a couple times during the day where I am but is reassured by being told that Mom and Dad will return and he carries on playing.

I have really struggled with returning to work. I feel guilty at work being away from my son and I feel guilty at home not contributing financially to our lives. I have been thinking about the sense of guilt over the last few days and am trying to reframe or reset my thinking. I am fortunate and grateful that I can work and that Ana is available when we need her therefore saving the cost of day care and allowing me to bring money into our budget. I know Saylor is being well cared for by his loving Ana and she is filled with joy by being around him. It is a winning situation. I did have to reset my thinking as my thoughts about the public school system now that I am a parent are less then stellar. I think I have been able to do that and can now accept my work calls and enjoy my days away from home knowing that contributing financially lifts some of the burden from Pete’s broad shoulders.

I have a friend who I met recently she happens to be 11 years my junior with two children a boy who is 4 and a girl who is almost 2. Her husband was unjustly fired around Christmas. She has been brave and strong and she seems to be doing very well despite the situation they are in. They have started a small business and have hit a few bumps along the way and despite following all leads and chasing the work nothing has come in for them yet. With inspiration like that I didn’t it was easier to reform my thoughts and be grateful that I can take on as much work as suits our family. I admire her strength and resilience!

All of these thoughts have been banging around head and heart for several days I knew I needed to write them down and clear some mental clutter. I feel a little lighter and it will be easier to sleep tonight knowing that I can go to my job make money, be away from my son who will in his home with his loving Ana and contributing to our budget. I’m off to bed with happy thoughts.